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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

fill my cup....


Been reading Psalm 63 over and over the last  few years.....I often find myself praying for Him to fill my cup on days  when kids are yelling and screaming for me to fill thiers! 

63

In your sanctuary fill me up

fill me up, fill me up 

fill my cup

You fill me up , you fill me up 

You fill my cup

in this dry and weary land 

 fill my cup

fill me up, fill me up  

 fill my cup

my soul thirsts for you 

fill me up

with singing lips and reaching hands  

fill my cup

Because your love is better than life 

fill me up

Be my help   

fill me up

My body longs for you 

Fill my cup

fill me up, fill me up 

fill my cup

You fill me up,  You fill me up

Lord you fill my cup
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Morning music jam with a side of a tantrum....our daily theme song...



I won't lie, most mornings our kids come down and the first thing they want to do is watch tv. Most days after my oldest goes to school, I let the two little ones watch a show or two and I get my time in to read a devotion, jot down a little journal and pray for the day. And in even more honesty, I am sure there has been more days then most when the tv is on for a good morning so I can do more than my God time. There I said it:)  Someday I want to strive to be that mom who has that all done before my kids get up, like I said, someday. 

Right now we get up with our oldest and get her ready for school. She makes me look good (when she isn't having a wardrobe melt down). We bought her a devotional as a gift a few years back and this is the first year she has really gotten into reading it. She even has a "to do" list on her wall for her mornings and she has "do devotion" on it. My heart swells just writing this. We read it and  pray right before she goes to get on the bus. This morning to add a little more mom bragging, she was the one who initiated it and prayed over me as I was still sleepy eyed. Holding on to these moments. Lord please carry this into her adulthood! 

As for the other two, I usually pray with them before I do my devotion and like I said, Mari all on her own brings me something to read to her.  I will be honest sometimes I just want to be left alone doing my own devotion and having my own time with God and much rather have them in front of the tv as usually I am silently scolding myself for not getting up earlier?  I am sure that is what Jesus meant when he said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 Can I feel any more convicted?

I feel like I am making my devotion time sound "Christian Perfect." It is not like that one bit.  Here is a recap of how most mornings go.  

So to wait for their tv time, the two little ones eat and then go upstairs and play with these toy dinosaurs while I finish getting Dylan off to school.  Somedays I feel like we are in our own version of "Ground Hog Day".  It all goes and starts the same. About 9 o'clock Mari comes down as Hank is screaming  in a bird like screech, "She doesn't want to play any more!!!" And he falls to my feet screaming and crying. I then ask Mari if she could give him a warning that she wants to stop in 5 minutes, and she just says, "No," as if it was nothing.  Believe me, I know this  is all coming most of the time and try to prepare them for it by asking Mari to give him a warning as they go up, she just looks at me with a "Yeah right" look;/ . This is usually where I start my daily deep breathing...

In the middle of Hanks tantrum, our kitchen ipod begins to blare Toby Macs "Me Without You." And Mari starts to groove to what she calls the "Yellow Eye" song.  Talk about mixed emotions as I love to watch her dance and of all songs she picks this one, but then she also has her brother upset with her? Hank usually jumps into the song and they blare it about 2 more times.  Mari now have some hand motions to go with it all....We then do a little reading and then the kids watch tv. For now the routine works for us....We really are working on getting rid of the tantrum (I hope). Like Bill Murray in the movie, no matter how much he tries the day before, it still happens all the same the next day! I can relate with this tantrum. I also realize the kids will all be in school in the morning next year and mentally taking in how much I know I will miss this.  And thankful now that when I hear "Me without You" these flashback moments will flood my mind.  Thankful that also when Mari is in a Taylor Swift phase of her life, she picks this song to jam too! 


To be even more honest about this post, the last few weeks we have been in even more transition for us, as I am in daily orientation for a new nursing job and H and M are in "day care"  ( can you hear me whispering that?) When you go from being a stay at home mom, all you can feel is the judgment arising when you tell people that, especially other stay at home moms.  I need to write about that decision for us.....So I have actually been missing the daily tantrum.....So before I go to work I turn this on to get us  prepared for what the day has before us  as we are all  counting down the days until my orientation is over and I will then work a few nights a week, so we can go back to our much later in the morning  kitchen jams and tantrums (ok hoping the tantrums will not reappear!)...  


                                                             "Me Without You"

Raindrops rollin' off my brim
Streetlights got the pavement glistenin'
Touchdown, I fall into Your arms
Right where I belong
Your everlasting arms

And where would I be
Without You...

I'd be packin' my bags when I need to stay
I'd be chasin' every breeze that blows my way
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away
It's true
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
Don't know where I'd be without You
(Wooooah, without you)

Flashback, step into the scene
There's You and there's a very different me
Touchdown, You had me at believe
You had me at believe, You did

And where would I be
Without You, without You...

I'd be packin' my bags when I need to stay
I'd be chasin' every breeze that blows my way
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away
It's true
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
Don't know where I'd be without You

(Where would I be...)

[WHISPERING]
(I was so deep,
So incomplete
Til' You rescued me
Yeah, You rescued me)

You rescued me
You are mine, I am Yours
You rescued me
And I am Yours forever
You saved me, remade me

And where would I be

I'd be packin' my bags when I need to stay
I'd be chasin' every breeze that blows my way
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away
It's true
That I'd be packin' my bags when I need to stay
I'd be chasin' every breeze that blows my way
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away
So true
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
Don't know where I'd be without You

That's me without You-ou-ou-ou
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou
Don't know where I'd be without You


These are my Mari Moments  










Monday, April 22, 2013

Finding Strong Connections....

always a ramble...


"Find people for your child to make strong influential relationships at an early age. Then have the HOPE they will grow to be one too."


This came to me today as we met a new friend who's wife is a zoo keeper. We are very much hoping to hit it off with this couple. Mari I already know, needs this woman in her life!


After fighting so much fear and anxiety as a kid and into adulthood. I don't want my kids to be so weighed down with their own fears and anxiety. So with that, I have realized I need to find strong friends to help surround my kids with. Friends who might be "better than me" at anything and everything. You know, those people you at your first inner most judgmental thought you might label as "PTA Mom"? Ha! Or the mom who cooks from scratch or somehow gets her kids to eat vegtables or some how kids "NEVER" fight. Or the person who makes their own clothes and jewlery. You know you just had someone come to mind!:)


I am so hopeful to meet this "zoo keeper" woman and be her friend, even more for Mari. I just feel Mari is meant to be something with her love for animals and I hate how already I let my worries of "will we be able to put her through vet school, if she wants to," or "what if because I didn't buy her a horse or have every stray cat live with us" and so forth ruin me.

I recently just met a friend of a friend who teaches sewing and no joke found out she lives down the street from us and our kids go to the same school. Random Coincidence? I honestly think not. I really believe God has heard my prayers for strong influential people to be in my kids lives. Dylan, my oldest, is a fashion diva and wants nothing but to learn to sew. She has taught herself to handsew already. Tara is this woman that when you first meet her you see "COOL" all over her and teaches sewing lessons! I am so thankful for these connections! I need to look past my own limitations and find people who dream like my kids and can connect with them at an early age in hopes they will become the adults they want to be and so they can never look back and say they weren't given the chance. Then even more, hope for them to be a connection to someone else.  

I have to realize I can't do be "everything" to my kids and I don't I have too. As we hit the teenage years too, I might have to humble myself that I won't be able to be my kids BFF and always understand them, but have hope that they will have a strong adult in their life that they can always turn too. As a kid I had that in my aunts and my grandma. I am forever thankful for that. They were always a listening ear when I didn't think my parents understood me. I am already mentally preparing for the hurt it will even cause me for my kids to poor themselves out to someone else when it might not be me. I am also just still hopeful it could be me. Time will tell and I have to trust God to direct their paths.

Our neighbor across the street is the sweetest lady. She has blessed us with just tremendous love. Once a week, she invites my oldest over for "girl talk" and paints her nails and braids Dylan's hair. They sit and talk together for over an hour and Vicki just poors herself into Dylan by letting Dylan just lead the conversation. We don't have family in the area and Dylan only has one grandma who lives over 4 hours away. I had a very strong bond with my grandma and sadly Dylan might never have with my mom because of the distance, but forever, I hope, she will remember Ms. Vicki and how this one woman would just invite her over to talk all about her, when she was 9 years old. Dylan use to bite her nails. I couldn't get her to stop, even when I, her mom would paint her nails in hope it would stop. But Vicki took Dylan out and got her some special nail polish and in just "their" time together, wtih encouragment, got Dylan to stop biting her nails. Dylan now gets french manicures for her long finger nails from Vicki once a week! (I never in my life have had a french manicure! ha!)

I already am forever thankful for Vicki.

I am now hoping to find this connection for Mari. My animal loving girl needs someone who LOVES animals as much as her, especially when her mama bearly puts up with the dog we have;/


I use the word HOPE a lot with this because Hebrews 11:1 says " Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hope is all about the unseen.  I want my kids to be "the evidence"...or the proof, that even when  I couldn't see what kind of adults they would be, I already believed in who they would be. Three amazing-creative-God Fearing adults, all  because  at their early ages, I recognized they needed more than just me and so I  prayed for and asked God for other people who could help finish designing  them into who God wanted them to be....


Holding on to Hope one day at a time....I also "Hope" not to look back at this someday when my house might be a zoo of animals and think to myself "why did I ask you that God??"